Monday, 29 December 2008

  • My last

    I'm in the middle of a tough struggle right now. I just got out of a tough relationship with a girl that I love. I lied to her about my parents because I had been living a lie for a long time about who my parents were and what my relationship was with them exactly. Hiding abuse and what not while being able to share some of it because it has helped to shape who I am - mostly because I have let it shape me. Which is dumb and sorry.

    So I lied. And she gave me an opportunity to tell her the truth. No promises she could deal with it, but asked me about it, and I knew I should have just told her after she met my parents - first time for that experience - in October. But I was scared of losing out on someone I had already fallen so deeply in love with. I thought that because she had admitted to having trust issues with other friends in the past, the idea of forgiving me for lying was beyond her ability. We both were very busy, and seperated by the 3 and a half hours it took to drive from my college to hers. She was worth it. I struggled at times with weither or not I was worthy of someone so amazing. I was filled with fears and self doubt. Meanwhile, she attempted to move past what she thought was stupid doubt, because I had always been a good guy, and honest (exceedingly honest) with everything else. I seemed to be responsbile, God honoring, fun and funny, compasionate, and we seemed to have a good connection; however, everything changed in October. She had lost trust in me, and doubted herself. She held somethings back. It meant that when she struggled with stress, she wanted me to be an outlet and I couldn't because I could tell she was holding things back and it hurt me. I couldn't be the me (the fun and energetic kid-at-heart) I had always been around her and that I was on the inside when guilt and trouble free. Meanwhile my personal life fell apart. I ran into troubles at home with Dad again, forced myself into a tough spot and a need for a new college, and couldn't seem to admit that I was guilty or force myself to admit to her what I wanted so badly to be free of. The problem was that I had told everyone else what I had told her. Either she hear and hold one secrete from my parents, or from all of my friends. I knew it would come up one way or the other. And still she drifted farther and farther away from me. Around finals week, so early december, we split over a fight. She wanted to call and confess that she had danced with some guy and given him her number but it didn't mean anything, and my only question was did she have fun. I knew her heart, and knew that she just wanted to have a good time and nothing happened. I brought up that I needed something more from her before she left. I was trying to figure out why she had seemed so distant, because she hadn't asked about what had been bothering her for a long time. It seemed to me to be over except for my guilt, and I was wondering if stress was a problem, or if maybe she was just falling out of love with me. I thought that if i talked with her and said I needed more, then perhaps she'd realize how distant she had been, or I'd find out what was wrong.... or something. It blew up into a fight on the phone and we broke up.

    We agreed we should get together over the Christmas break and talk about things. She had mentioned alot of things about not feeling happy, and being dragged down, and other things... If you've been in one of those fights were you have no clue what was said, or how exactly you got so angry you can understand how I didn't put much stock in most of it, and can't recall what exactly was said by either of us, but we missed eachother and it sucked. We met halfway between our houses in a mall parking lot about an hour away from my home. When we talked, she admitted to having trust issues because of my parents. She asked if my dad could talk to her about the situation just so she could know and regain that trust in me. To be honest, my dad might have done it. My mom is physco crazy on meds and my dad used to... well occasionally we fight now, so he owes me. He loves me and he could see when I talked about her just how much I loved her and he might have gone along with whatever I asked him to. The problem was that she had gotten so distant, and I felt so awful. I finally admitted my lie to her. She asked me not to contact her, and to leave her alone forever. I went a step further in my grief and sent messages to her friends admitting my lie, and contacting all the people back at college I had lied to and confessed to them, also. Finally I was free of it. Except that I lost her.

    My gut and heart tell me to give her time and space to deal with her heart and the pain of being lied to. And it also tells me to go fight for her. It feels like I gave up when we talked and I admitted my lie. I could understand that she was hurt, I was ashamed, and so I gave up and I let her leave without a word pretty much. She had every right to walk away, but she offered me the opportunity to speak, and what bothers me the most is that I never explained that I love her. Regardless of the lie I told, and accepting the trust issues that were bound to be an obsticle for us, I wanted to try and make things work. Now I'm here, trying to force myself to move on, unhappy and wondering. I pray you don't go through that. And I hope that one day I push myself to talk to her in a way that she can receive what I have to say, and that I have the courage to say it all and accept whatever response she might have.  

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